When I read this simple statement, it’s powerful truth stirred deep emotions within which I knew had to be explored. As I peeled away the layers, the first emotion that revealed itself was “shame”.

SHAME

I remember an exact point in my life that everything I had ever dreamed was right there before me. More than I had ever dreamed in fact. I have a talented, beautiful and patient (very necessary if you know me) wife, a young daughter who was a brilliant, beautiful, joy-filled child, a family that loved and supported me completely, celebrations full of love and laughter with my family, and a business that was at its peak while providing the “financial security” that I had always longed for. I was on a mission to drink in every moment. In those moments I knew what joy was and it was magnificent.

What I did not disclose in the statement “I was on a mission to drink in every moment” was the chronic tailender…”WHILE IT LASTED”.

The fact was that even in those magnificent moments, there was an undercurrent of fear that was extremely uncomfortable and most unsettling. It was leeching my joy! And adding insult to injury, I was so ashamed of feeling this fear.

What was wrong with me? Who feels this way when they sit on top of the world?

There was a sense of dread that it would all come tumbling down. I know a huge part of this was feelings of undeserving or unworthiness. It was mine only to borrow. I was deserving of a taste, but not the whole enchilada. I know, even while writing this, my inner critic is screaming “How warped was this thinking!”

It was just like Grandma’s Italian saying, which translates to, “don’t laugh too hard today because if you do, tomorrow you will be crying!” I hated hearing that as a kid, but there I was living that fear.

VINDICATION

The next feeling that I uncovered when I was looking into what was stirring within was that of vindication. “So I was not the only one that has experienced this!” Even after all of the introspective work and clearing I have done, it still feels good to read those words. It defines the struggle I was too ashamed to give a voice to.

The bittersweet part of all of this is that it did not last. We lost our business, most of our life’s saving, and my identity.

Did my fear manifest the failure of our business and our loss of financial security? I am sure it played a part. As the fear replaced the joy, I lost my intuition. My clarity of intention was mired in the fog of fear. I would try anything and everything to save the business, like flinging mud against the wall and seeing if it would stick. Definitely NOT a recipe for success.

I firmly believe that clarity of intention leads to inspired actions. In this grip of fear, there were desperate actions that felt necessary, not inspired actions.

As it became inevitable that the business would fail, I desperately searched for ways to save myself from the weight of this failure for fear it would drag me down for good.

I wanted to end this chapter and begin the next with grace. I wanted to keep my family close and not lose them in the fog of the “war” that had been my life for 5 years.

I am thankful and joyful to say that our family has flourished. And the next generation that has witnessed our shared grace in failure have learned an invaluable lesson.

So, what is my antidote to the reality that even when we are most joyful, there is fear behind our joy? It is now and always will be gratitude. I will stay present, and turn from fear of what might be, toward deep and unabiding gratitude for what is.

I hope that we have the opportunity to change grandma’s Italian saying to share with our grandchildren a wish to “ridere e amare oggi e domani sarà grato” which translated means, “laugh and love today and be grateful tomorrow!”